Waking up
by therainydaykids
Summary: The Car Accident leaves Serena with no memories of the last three years. Now Serena has to come to terms with her new family, the repercussions of her affair with Tripp and deal with her resurfacing feelings for Nate. NJBC. SxN, CxB.
1. Chapter 1

Confusion swept over me as I was tugged gently back into consciousness. I was comfortable, eerily so with nothing but a dull aching tainting my ease. My eyes fluttered, watering slightly from the ethereal light.

"Serena?" An all too familiar voice murmured. My heart fluttered recklessly and against my will I could feel a dusting of pink lacing my cheeks.

"Nate…" I rasped, wincing. The words were like sandpaper against my throat; simply excruciating. "W…where am I?" I managed to splutter, my face contorting.

"Serena" He murmured again, his voice laced with concern. "You're at the hospital; you've been in an accident" My breathing hitched and my heart slammed into my chest, an _accident_? Tears clouded my vision as I wrenched my eyes, desperate to see if Nate's words were true. Sure enough as my eyes focused I was greeted by the hospitals trademark overly white walls and sickly green tiles.

"What happened?" I croaked, forcing myself to sit up.

"It was a car accident, do you remember anything?" Nate asked gently, trying to keep his voice steady but his worry laden blue eyes betrayed him. I struggled for a minute against the barrier in my mind, before sighing in defeat. "Well, you were in a car and the driver lost control…" Nate explained and in a flash my frail body gave way under the impact of his words and I sunk back down, burying myself in the blankets. A million thoughts were running a riot through my head. But gradually, oh so gradually, I managed to sift through them and eventually the shock subsided. Nate didn't utter a word and merely perched himself on the edge of my bed, comforting me with his presence. But he always did more than fill my body with ease; he pulled the strings of my heart in ways that thrilled my beyond belief. And that night at the bar had only cemented those unfamiliar feelings…  
Oh my god. Reality crashed down on me as I realized the repercussions of my actions. I had betrayed Blair, my best friend, my sister…my other half. I began to tremble under the covers, tears streaming down my face. What had I done? This accident surely must have been karma. A punishment for sleeping with Nate, a punishment I deserved. I choked back another sob and my body heaved. Out of nowhere, the blankets were thrown of me and my quaking form was revealed. Like a doll, Nate pulled my limp figure into his arms and I marveled once more at how my body molded into his perfectly and just at the simple…rightness of the embrace. I buried my head into his chest ignoring the guilt that was plaguing my mind and allowing his warmth and security to soothe me. His hands clutched my back securely as he whispered _It's okay _over and over again into my ear. But it wasn't okay. How could he hold me like this, with the knowledge of the unforgivable crime we had committed and yet… I didn't pull away, I couldn't. I never could with Nate, every lingered glance, every hug that went for just a tad to long just felt so right, no matter how damn wrong it was.

"S! Oh thank god you're alright" Blair shrieked in delight as she rushed into the room. I hastily pulled myself out of Nate's arms panicking. How could she not realize? Guilt plastered itself into my face as I smiled feebly and much to me surprise she grinned in returned, oblivious. I glanced down in envy; Blair was clad in a typical black and white skirt and blouse that was set off with a stunning coat that any girl would kill to wear.

"You look great B" I complimented sweetly, feeling a tad self consciousness against Blair's perfectly made up face and impeccable attire.

"So do you" I laughed softly at her words and Blair's face softened. She walked to the edge of my bed, her heels clacking gently against the tiles. Her gorgeous doe eyes bored into mine and I tried to detect any suspicion but came across nothing but joy and relief. "It's good to have you back Serena" She whispered as she wrapped her arms around me and I relished in the familiar feeling of her silky chestnut hair against my cheek. Nate sat silently unmoving on my bed and I wondered why he hadn't bestowed his normal affection on Blair, in fact, I glanced over to him through Blair's curls and I noticed that he his eyes were still glued to me and remorse flooded through me once more. This was probably are last embrace before I became the number one target of Blair's firing squad. I squeezed Blair tightly before letting go and sinking back into my pillows. "So how much school have I missed?" I asked lightly, smiling in an attempt to bring back a sense of normalcy and distract myself from my own disheartened thoughts.

"School?" Blair asked sharply, her eyes widening.

"What are you talking about Serena?" Nate queried extra gently, trying to make up for Blair's harshness.

"You know that place we are sentenced too five days a weeks, its called school" I said sarcastically, unsure of what sort of game they were playing. Nate and Blair exchanged an anxious glance before facing me again, both wearing the same identical look of bewilderment. Blair laughed unsurely, shooting Nate an uneasy look once more before replying tentatively.

"Serena we graduated school months ago"

"Huh?" I asked playing along, but still positive that it was some kind of joke.

"Don't you remember?" Nate asked for the second time and I too for the second time shook my head in defeat.

"What's the last thing you remember Serena?" Blair queried unsurely, her voice reverting back rapidly to her trademark clipped tone.

"The Shepherd Wedding" I mumbled frowning at the blatant guilt in my tone. Blair pursed her immaculately glossed lips and Nate looked down to the ground, refusing to meet either of our eyes. Blair looked as if she was about to saying something when two unfamiliar strangers came bursting into the room. One of them was a cute guy leading the way with dark, slightly curled hair with brown eyes to match. The other was a younger girl tailing behind with stunning blue eyes drowned in eyeliner and long blond hair.

"Oh em gee Serena! We were so worried! Eric's on his way" The blond girl gushed rushing up to my side and I felt a twinge of annoyance at the way she stole admiring glances at Nate. I contemplated for a moment if this was perhaps Eric's girlfriend and I felt sorry for my brother if she was because she, like every other girl on the Upper East Side, was totally into Nate.

"Yeah, we came as soon as we heard" The boy mumbled, his eyes darting around the room before he fixed me with an anxious glance. I laid there baffled, who were these strange people? And how the hell did they know who I was?

"Who are you?" I asked, opting to be frank. The guy furrowed his eyebrows; hurt flashing across his face.

"Dan I need to speak to you outside" Blair barked forcefully, marching outside not giving him a choice.

"Well I'm Jenny, Jenny Humphrey your step sister. And that guy that just lefts my brother Dan, well you probably already figured that out. " She babbled smiling, seemingly unfazed.

"That's crazy, My Mums not married" I shot back, trying to keep my tone calm and the smile on my lips. Nate ran his fingers through his golden locks, it was a habit of his that he opted for when he struggling to find the words to say something difficult. "It's okay Nate, you can tell me" I smiled brightly at him, my voice warm.

"Look Serena, I don't really know to say this…" His voice broke of at the end and he took a deep breath "But I think that because of the accident…you may have lost some of your memories"

"Some of my memories" I choked, unable to believe was I was hearing. The girl, Jenny, stood there silently, drinking in the information. When it became apparent that no one was going to elaborate and I said very slowly and deliberately "How long?" Silence enveloped the room before Nate eventually responded coarsely.

"About three years" I buried my face in my hands, shaking once more. Three years, _three years. _I had lost three years of my life, three whole _fucking _years. I had so many questions now, some obscenely petty and others that were screaming for an answer right away. But the one ringing loudest in my mind was the one that had been torturing me the longest; Were Blair and Nate still together? I recalled the earlier frostiness between them and hope soared through me. The question was at the tip of my tongue, begging to come out but I held back. God only knows the events that had befallen in the last thirty six months of my life.  
And what if…what if this girl Jenny …the admiring glances…Oh, I had been so stupid. She had to be Nate's girlfriend. Or Penelope, she had always had her eyes on Nate, swooping in on those scarce moments where he was alone. Before I could go into fully panic mode and make a complete and utter fool of myself, Blair and the guy Dan charged back in, a Doctor in tow.

"What's wrong with her?!" Blair demanded her face ablaze.

"Well, as you have probably figured out by now, it appears that due to the crash she is suffering from Partial Retrograde Amnesia" The Doctor mused, more to himself than anyone else. Blair opened her mouth about to express her outrage when Nate cut in, his voice smooth and efficient.

"Will she ever recover them?" Usually I would have been infuriated that everyone was acting like I wasn't meters away but I was too desperate myself to find the answers to voice my annoyance.

"It depends, you see, some of her memories _may_ return to her…" He took one fleeting glance at Blair's hopeful look before adding quickly "In time" Blair's expression fell and a shadow fell across Nate's and what's-his-face Dans.

"Now if you don't mind I have some questions for Serena, as I'm sure she has for me" The Doctor declared somberly, fixing his gaze on the door. Silence swept across the room and eventually Dan got the clue.

"Oh…right" He mumbled reluctantly, turning sideways at the others before making his way towards the door. Blair refused to move an inch, her eyes fierce. "Comin' Jen?"

"Yep" She chirped, following Dan out the door, shooting Nate one last longing look, which to my relief he did not return.

"Miss, I think it's best if you left" The Doctor said tentatively. Blair's lip curled dangerously but she said nothing as she departed against her will. Nate who was still transfixed with the floor hadn't so much as breathed a word.

"Sir?"

"Huh?" Nate said, snapping out of reverie. He glanced around the now empty room and got up to follow suit.

"Wait, Nate" I whispered, reaching for his hand, not caring if he had another girlfriend. I was Serena Van Der Wooden and he was Nate Archibald, and this was how it would always be with us. "Stay please" The Doctor looked from him to me and threw his hands in the air in a sign of defeat, sighing in exasperation. I smiled my first genuine smile since I had awoken, despite the fact that it set every atom of my face alight with pain. Nate sat back down on the bed, his hand still entwined with mine as we waited for the no doubt dire news.

"Serena, I'm going to have to ask you some questions, okay?" The Doctor peered at me intensely and I nodded. "I need you to be has honest as possible, and Nate, is it?" He asked but continued without waiting for a response. Clearly time was of the essence. "You need to not say anything, and let Serena answer the questions"

"Of course" With that the Doctor turned his full and up most attention on me began to shoot question after question, taking notes every so often when I came to one I couldn't answer and eventually after much sighing, moans and reassuring squeezes from Nate the interrogation was complete.

"It seems that the last thing she remembers is indeed the Shepherd Wedding from three years ago. Usually the last event someone recalls is one of high importance or significance so therefore the mind clings to it" My face when from dainty pink to full blown scarlet and I dared a glance at Nate who's face had also turned a bright shade of red.

"I'll leave it at that for today. I would like you to stay in hospital for another three days, and I'll see your progress then"

"Okay" I gulped, silently cursing the Doctor for paving the way for an extremely awkward conversation that Nate and I were know inevitably going to have. Thankfully, Blair, Dan and (sadly) Jenny chose that moment to reappear, this time with Eric.

"So Eric, here I thought that that Jenny here was your new girlfriend, turns out she's our step-sister" I said thoughtlessly, not wanting to burden my little brother with my amnesia. The awkward silence proved my genius idea otherwise and I grimaced, wishing I knew when to keep my uncontrollable mouth shut. "Ok guys what did I miss?" I sighed, knowing with a twinge lament that this was only the first of many situations surely to come.

"Well for starters, I'm gay" Eric announced.

"I tamed the Bass" Blair said smugly, after Eric's words had sunk in. What, Blair and _Chuc_k? Chuck and _Blair_? When, _how?_

"After he de-flowered you" Nate added in a heartbeat.

"I'm Queen of Constance" Jenny chimed in.

"We used to date" Dan said, gesturing casually from me to him. Woah, seriously? Well he was kinda cute…I guess. But didn't that Jenny girl that we were step siblings…oh god, please say I didn't cross that line…please…

"Yeah…I missed _a lot" _

**So what did you think? Should I continue? Reviews :)?**

**AN: I'm not sure about the retrograde amnesia thing, i just remember they used it on Ugly Betty ages ago when i used to watch it. :So feel free to correct me if I'm wrong :D  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Pretty much this is all about Serena coming to terms with her memory loss etc etc. Thankyou so much to everyone who reviewed, I'm glad you enjoyed chapter 1 and I hope you enjoy chapter 2 just as much. [: **

_This is incredible.  
Starving, insatiable,  
yes, this is love for the first time._

_xoxo_

I thumbed slowly through the glossy pages of Blair's hand-crafted photo album, complete with dates and captions. It had been the Doctors idea to compile photos and such of my past in the hopes that it may jog my uncooperative memory and Blair had naturally risen to the challenge. So far it had been futile, but Blair persevered admirably. It wasn't until the tenth photo that a frown began to make its way upon my chapped lips, all the photo's so far had been of just me and Blair and the occasional minion posing in ridiculously cheesy manners and pouting with overly shiny lips. Where was Nate? And Chuck for that matter? I scanned the photos quickly but to no avail, there was only the scarce photo scattered amongst the rest of us together. I had always assumed that we would have remained tight knit group until we finally succumbed to old age; these photos however told a wholly different and rather poignant story. I tucked the depressing thought of us drifting apart away; shrugging it off. Perhaps Blair would have an explanation, she always did. As if my thoughts had summoned her Blair appeared, her unusually fair complexion flushed slightly from the cold.

"Hey S" Blair said in a tender undertone, her endless brown eyes sparkling with concern.

"Hi, you" I replied echoing her soft tone, unable to keep the weariness from weaving its way into my voice. I tried desperately to hide how exhausted and completely drained I felt about the whole ordeal but the persistent bags lingering under my eyes betrayed me. "Guess what? I can come home tomorrow" I had been overjoyed when the Doctor finally gave way to my pleas and had given me the all clear.

"I know Lily told me, she's so excited about having you back" I blanched at the sound of my Mothers name. I had spent my whole life teetering on the rocks with Lily and god knows how our shaky relationship had fared in the last three years.

"Well it's going to be so great to get out of here. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at pastel green the same again!" Blair's eyes flitted around the room drinking in the unsightly place that I had been sentenced too.

"You know what? I don't I think I will be able to either. And don't get me started on the fluorescent lighting because it flatters _no one_" I chuckled lightly, my earlier melancholy buried deep within the crevices of my mind. I casually flicked to the next page of the album and felt my heart catch carelessly. Against the glorious backdrop of glittering chandeliers and dancing figures adorned in exquisite gowns and crisp tuxes stood Blair, Nate and myself at what I could only assume was our Cotillion. Nate had his hand snaked protectively around Blair's waist and she was glowing in response to his affectionate touch. They said that a picture spoke a thousand words but this one screamed only one; _love. _Raw yet unyielding love. Envy once again tainted my unstable mind and I frowned uncontrollably. I knew it shouldn't affect me so greatly seeing them together with such adoration for each other but love had turned my once (semi) composed nature into a mess of volatile emotions and an array of rat unpredictable and rather eclectic reactions.

"I can't believe I won't able to remember Cotillion, the most important day of my life" I whined melodramatically trying to distract the stream of unpleasant thoughts and images rampaging through my head.

"If it's consolation I don't think anyone will ever forget you at Cotillion" Blair said coyly, a reticent smile toying with her lips.

"Spill now" I demanded, pouting. I hated being left in the dark about anything and thankfully moments like that were scarce. With Blair Waldorf as my best friend and Gossip Girl forever on the prowl the latest scandals were merely a text message or yoghurt cup away.

"Well we didn't even make it to the second song without causing a scene" Blair divulged overly casually and my suspicions aroused.

"Define scene?" I asked tentatively, unsure whether I really wanted to hear the answer or not.

"A brawl if you must know" Blair replied with a tad or reluctance before chuckling at my horrified expression. "But I can assure we still looked ten times more glamorous than any of the other people there even if you _were _whacking Carter Baizen with your shoe"

"Ugh Carter, I hope I left some damn good bruises on him" Blair laughed shakily and it sounded a tad to forced for my liking.

"I can assure you your stilettos were lethal" Blair teased, but her troubled eyes didn't match her carefree voice but I didn't dwell on it. Conversation soon dwindled into an easy silence and we sat there content to savour the others company.

"How's Ya…NYU" I fumbled sloppily, cursing myself. Blair had told me of the disastrous events that had rendered her with no choice but to attend NYU. It was a huge injustice in my opinion that had led Yale into thinking that it was perfectly okay to let Blair Waldorf slip through there fingers.

"_Great_" Blair uttered brusquely shutting down the potential conversation.

"Oh thank goodness B, I was so worried that you wouldn't open your heart to colleges but Yale"

"Yeah I'm having a _fabulous _time despite the fact that hardly anyone has ever even set foot in Bendels and that headbands are apparently so passé. Oh and lets not forget that my roommate was complete and utter _psycho_" Her voice was icy and etched with bone chilling sarcasm. Sarcasm I had evidently missed the first time around.

"Oh" I muttered sounding stupider by the minute.I gnawed at my already ragged thumb nail, a nervous habit of mine. I stole a hesitant glance at Blair and shrivelled under her thunderous gaze. Not wanting to ignite the Blair Waldorf fire I bit my tongue and opted to lay there idiotically which was apparently a huge mistake.

"I actually have a lecture to attend too, some of us aren't fortunate enough like you to lie in bed all day. Nate said he'll be coming in half an hour anyway" She declared after a few moments before seizing her coat violently, still evidently pissed off.

"Oh okay" I said meekly, part relieved part disappointed. Blair planted a fleeting kiss on my cheek before striding out without a second glance-or a goodbye.

I slumped back into my pillows dejected; ever since the accident I had constantly been saying the wrong things and asking the worst questions. I picked up the album that had been discarded casually to the side and began to lose myself in it once more, drowning myself in image after image. I was about three quarters through when I stumbled on one with Nate and I arms linked in what I recognized in a heart beat as The Hamptons. I gave the gorgeous white dress I was wearing an approving glance before my gaze slid to the criminally good looking man next to me. It was impossible to look at anything but _him_, and my eyes were drawn, helplessly, like a magnet towards him. I traced his outline longingly, lapping up the way the sun made his sapphire eye's glitter and how ridiculously handsome he looked in his white suit. As I transfixed as I was with the picture the sound of clattering footsteps didn't slip past my notice and I perked up instantaneously as the flesh and blood Nate Archibald entered, the picture that lay sprawled on my lap doing him no justice.

"Natie!" I trilled, a smile tugging on the corners of my lips. All the angst over Blair evaporated as my body made room for a whole new set of emotions.

"Man you haven't called me that in_ years_" Nate replied a smile of his own lighting up his face.

"Well then I have a lot to make up for, don't I, _Natie_?" I quipped playfully.

"God I've missed you so much Serena" Nate said, his voice breaking slightly. Nate's words triggered a light blush to lace my cheeks which only intensified as he sat down inches from me. "How are you feeling anyway?" He murmured tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, his fingertips tracing the sweep of my flaxen hair.

"I've been better" I answered truthfully, praying that Nate didn't catch the slight tremble of contradiction in my voice. "I just wish I could get out of here, you know?" And Nate did know, all too well, the way I thrived on being free. He knew I couldn't stand being cooped up, confined unbearably in places such as these.

"Well, why don't you?" He paused registering my incredulous look. "C'mon I'll take you for a walk, if you're up to it that is?" I rolled my eyes at the excessive concern in his tone despite the fact that I was secretly pleased that he cared so much about me.

"Just let me grab my coat" I stumbled clumsily out of my bed, staggering slightly as I tried (and notably failed) to gain control of my wobbling feet.

"Easy there" Nate chided, reaching for me inept form. My heart began to beat furiously against my chest as Nate's sturdy hands gently slipped around my waist before guiding my back to my feet. "Will you be okay to walk?" Nate asked not looking entirely convinced as I nodded defiantly. Eventually I managed to (with Nate's help) totter my way to the door, leading to the Hospitals garden. It was amazing, as the air rushed to greet me, to finally feel the air tangle its way into my hair and to be able to breathe in the exotic scents.

"I pissed off Blair this morning" I mumbled downcast breaking the silence, chewing on my wrecked thumbnail before I could stop myself.

"What happened?" Nate asked, genuine curiosity lacing his tone.

"I mentioned the Y word"

His eyebrows scrunched for a moment or two before realization dawned him "Ohh, _that_ word"

"Yeah…" I muttered sombrely.

"Hey" Nate began "She'll get over it; this is _Blair _we are talking about. By tomorrow you guys will be painting each others nails and watching Breakfast at Tiffanies like you always do"

"You're right" I sighed unable to control myself. All my pent up exhaustion began to cascade over me and I gave walking one last feeble go before retiring to a bench at Nate's request. Now that I was no longer moving the icy breeze began to play havoc on my body and I felt a shiver finger its way tenderly up my spine. But despite the fact that I was coated in goose bumps and shaking to no end, it beat being trapped in that Hospital room by legions. As silence wove its spindly thread around Nate and me, I resisted the stubborn urge to the thousand questions I had banked up in my mind, most of them involving his love life of course.

"I can't believe how cold it is, it feels like it should be summer in my head" I choked through chattering teeth, my body shivering some. It was true though; as far as my mind was concerned we should still be suffering under summer's relentless and scorching wrath.

"Come here" Nate said pulling my frail form against him, and I inhaled the soothing scent of his cologne as I rested my head against his chest infinitely glad that after three years Nate was still my leading man.

"Is Jenny your girlfriend?" The words fell out of my lips before I could contain them and I felt his body tense..

"Jenny? Of course not, what makes you say that?" Nate asked an identifiable edge to his tone.

"Oh, just the way she looks at you, that's all" I finished, snuggling closer into his chest, as winters icy embrace grappled for me once more. Nate threaded his fingers through my hair before cupping my cheek in his hand and tilting my face up to meet his. His gaze landed on mine and the intensity was almost tangible as we shared equal looks of yearning. Like silk his finger traced the outline of my lips, causing my breathing to hitch and my heart to hammer uncontrollably.

"Nate" I whispered reluctantly, countering the desire I knew was burning in my eyes. I wanted this so badly so, so badly. I wanted it so desperately it nearly made my heart explode, but there were so many questions in need of answers, _three_ years of stories needing to be told. The Shepherd wedding…the reasons he and Blair broke up…his feelings for me and anyone else for that unthinkable matter...And what about the driver? Had someone_ died_ at my expense? We had so much to discuss it made my head spin. Was this really wise?

"I know" He breathed understanding the complex web of things we needed to unravel. His lips landed on mine anyway. Since when was anything Nate or I did wise? It was a tender kiss and the way our lips melded together made my heart melt. It conveyed every unspoken emotion that words simply could not express. I broke apart though albeit unwillingly, knowing I needed to be sensible for a change. I was shaking though, uncontrollably, the rampage of emotions sending me into overdrive. My lip began to quiver, unable to take the strain. It was all too much, my mind still hadn't grasped the fact that three years had indeed passed. It still felt like Blair and Nate were together, the golden couple, it still felt like the kiss was a stab in the back to my already fuming best friend. Silent tears streaked silently down my face each one a reminder of the three years I had lost.

"Nate" I whimpered again, I needed him to tell me that I wasn't going crazy. I needed him to tell that this haywire of emotions was okay. That I _should _be feeling guilty even thought I had done nothing wrong. That it was okay to be _confused _even though I was pretty sure I loved him. That I was okay to be _upset _even though I had wanted to kiss Nate since I had first woken up. He tilted my chin upwards once more, eyes ablaze, and gently wiped the tears crisscrossing my cheeks before trailing a consoling finger down my cheek.

"I know" He said, his voice barely audible. But this time, this time he didn't know. He didn't know the way that reality had just crashed down on me, causing my mind and body to crash, sizzle and burn. But I allowed him to pretend, for both our sakes.

xoxo

**Reviews? **


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